Fear has been my evil buddy ever since I can remember.
It all started when I was a little girl. Before I would go to bed, almost every night, I would make sure the front door is locked; fearing someone would break in and murder us.
I feared school. I went to a Greek Orthodox school in Jordan (private school), from 1st to 8th grade, and the principle was a nun, she was probably one of the meanest women I will ever encounter. I loathed the dress code at that school, not to mention the hideous uniforms we had to wear (they literally looked like an apron …yes, an apron). One day I wore shorts that were only a couple of inches above my knee and during recess she must have seen me, because I was called into her office. I was literally pinned to the wall and her nose was touching my nose and she was screaming bloody murder at me … I was mortified!! The teachers were very strict, I struggled in school even though I enjoyed learning – I would literally get a stomach ache every morning before going to school and some nights I couldn’t fall sleep because I feared going to school.
When my parents would go to a wedding, or on a date, or visit family without me, I would be a nervous wreck the entire time they’re gone – I vividly remember that feeling – Stomach ache, nausea, and almost in tears that they would die because I wasn’t there to save them if anything bad were to happen to them. I still deal with this fear with my husband, siblings and parents.
I am not exactly sure why I have these fears, maybe it’s because I never felt safe as a child because I grew up with an alcoholic father and I felt the need to try and control something in my life when everything in my life was complete chaos … I don’t know.
But I fear … a lot.
Since I became ill with Lyme, I realized how controlling I am as a person. I want to control my illness so bad because I fear dying. Uncertainty scares me, and there’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, so, I try to control it! I need to remind myself daily that that power is not mine .. it is only God’s. I am trying to control so much in my life that I am missing out on the beautiful adventures of living.
I am certain that David and I would have been best buds. I can totally relate to his mood swings in the book of Psalms. My prayers sound A LOT like his … example: Day 1 prayer “Lord, you are so amazing .. thank you thank you for everything” day 2 prayer “Lord, I can’t do this anymore. Where are you?” day 3 prayer “Lord, thank you for healing me” day 4 prayer “Lord, why aren’t I healed already?” … I trust Him one minute, then fear the next.
“The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalms 27:1 … I had to quote one of David’s prayers, of course. I mean really, whom shall I fear? I have the greatest physician of all, the merciful, the maker of the universe, the One that can destroy the spirit of death with me always … yet, I fear. He wants to grab my steering wheel with His two hands but I reach with my one hand and get a good grip on it just to make sure He’s able to drive. I can’t hold the steering wheel and let God drive at the same time if I want peace in my life.
Help me let go of the wheel …
I love this verse in Psalm 77:19-20 “Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.” The God who has done these great things definitely has the power to do them again … sometimes I tend to forget this!
Love and trust go hand in hand … I love The Lord, but I want to love Him more … I want to trust Him more … I want to be more obedient to Him … I want to lay my life down for Him even when I am not sure what the end result will be. After all, He is for me, not against me!! Same goes for you too!
My faith in Christ is new. I know it takes time & diligence for faith to mature … I know with time I will walk free from fear!!
Lord, I pray that you would remove the spirit of fear from my life. My life has been consumed by it and I no longer want it to be because I have You. Please, give me Your love and Your power to replace these fears. I give you my illness and my body … do as you please with it, Lord. Help me let go of the wheel … In Jesus’ mighty, powerful name I pray. Amen