It is dark … so dark.
My eyes hurt from crying. My body is weak. I hurt all over.
I’m tired … my body doesn’t want to fight anymore.
My eyes are closed and tears are streaming down my face, feeling like God forgot about me, “Hello, God, I am right here … it’s Aisha, again!!” The feelings of hopelessness and despair took over my soul a few days ago. I felt like I was forgotten about, I felt alone, I felt like there was no point to my existence.
“Let there be light” … these four words kept popping up in my head as I laid in bed motionless. I tried avoiding it because I was physically too weak to acknowledge it. I heard it again, “let there be light” and I thought “yes, God, I could use a little light in my life right now … any day would be great.” more tears went down my cheeks, and there it was again “let there be light”. I’ve been praying lately that God would help me be more obedient to Him, so, I thought this was probably a good time to act on that. My body was so weak I did not want to get up, but I did anyways. I swung my legs to the side of the bed and my feet dropped to the floor. The pain in my legs hurt so bad, the shakiness in my legs felt like I was going to collapse and the room was spinning from the dizziness … “who is this 90 year old’s body??!” I thought!
I had my Bible in my hands and I opened it to Genesis. Last time I read Genesis was when I first became a Christian, so, it has been a while. I read Genesis 1:2-3 “The earth was without form and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.Then God said ‘let there be light’ and there was light.” I paused, and read it again and again and let me tell you, this verse hit me HARD! This is what I love about God’s Word, we can read a verse numerous times and it will speak to us more and more every time we read it! Back to the whole earth thing. It was dark, with NO light. It was without form … o my gosh, I don’t think my brain can fathom this! It pretty much existed but had no purpose … Lord, I totally know how the earth felt!! This illness robbed so much from me – my job, my health, my schooling, my goals, things I enjoy doing, etc .. and some days I just feel like I don’t know what my purpose is on earth. In the midst of all the pain, I tend to look at my life the way the earth looked back in the early days – dark, lonely, lost and a mess – wondering if God is really able to bring light into the pit of darkness that I am in.
While reading the beginning of Genesis, I closed my eyes and I pictured God joyfully gazing at the dark earth because he has the perfect vision for it – He sees the amazing potential it has – beauty that He can create out of nothing, order out of complete chaos, fullness out of complete emptiness and light out of complete darkness. Everything He envisioned fell into place beautifully, and that includes you, me and everyone else. Just like the trees, the stars, the sun, the waters, the animals all have a purpose; so do we! Life is so tough … I am only 27, and let me just say that I’ve had my fair share of trial after trial, but there is one thing I am certain of, and that is that God wants me here … I don’t know why ( just like I don’t know why mosquitoes or ticks exist) and I may never know why, but He created me, He breathed His love into me and He wanted me to be part of His beautiful vision and my gosh that makes me feel pretty darn special. Same goes for you too!!
The same way God made fullness out of emptiness, beauty out of nothing, light out of darkness …. He will do the same for me too, because I am His.
I am only assuming here – God created “this light” before the sun, stars and moon. This got me thinking, could this be a glimpse of light that shined from God? Was the light that I’ve been searching for in the midst of my illness with me this entire time? Jesus said “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12.
I’ve been hearing too many stories of people with Lyme that have committed suicide lately and I’ve spoken with some friends who have just had it with this illness. They simply don’t have the strength to push through it anymore and trust me, I get it … I really do. If you are one of those people right now, I’m asking you to open up God’s Word and spend some quality time with Him. He will breath strength in you, He will sustain you, He will deliver you and He will shine His light through you. He made you because He loves you and He wants you here. You have a purpose and don’t ever forget that … you are fearfully and wonderfully made!!
Will you follow His light with me?!
Healing comes when we move away from all the darkness and walk toward His light.
Let’s follow Him, friend!!