I opened up my Bible study book last Tuesday and read what I wrote the night before … “Why am I sick?” …. and I stared at the blank white column next to it.
Last Monday, in my Bible study book, Priscilla asked to write down questions I’ve been asking God in one column and His answer in the next. “Surely, it must be God’s will for me that I am ill” I thought, and I closed the book. I did not want to continue because I presumed I knew the answer. There were no words written in “His Answer” column … I left it blank and planned on leaving it that way, but for some reason, I couldn’t look away from the column. “I need to fill this column … I can’t leave it blank” I thought.
I didn’t know where to begin, so, I opened the concordance in the back of my Bible and saw John 5:7 under ‘sick’. I opened it to John and read about how Jesus healed the disabled man. Then that led me to Matthew where Jesus healed Peter’s mother in law and then he healed those who were oppressed by demons. Then He healed the man with leprosy. Then He healed blind men. Then He Healed a woman in the crowd. I mean, It was page after page with all the miraculous healings that Jesus did here on earth!!!
I paused and took a deep breath.
I’ve been to a few healing services and many times I’ve heard people say “If it’s God’s will, He will heal you.” And that stuck with me … I kept thinking “well, it must be God’s will that I am still sick” and that I should just accept it. I thought maybe I had done something so bad in the past that He is punishing me for it now, and I am being taught a lesson from it by being really sick. To be quite honest with you, I think this kind of thinking has put a huge wedge between me and The Lord. I can’t count on my fingers how many times I’ve laid on the floor, hopeless and crying out to Him and yelling that if He does exist that He is an evil God for allowing His children to suffer like this. I doubted His existence, I harbored anger towards Him and I resented Him.
Jesus taught us all that when we see Him, we see the Father … and in John 5:30 Jesus says “I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgement is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of Him who sent me.” And maybe I am reading the verse wrong, I don’t know, but if Jesus is the revealed will of God from heaven, did Jesus make anyone sick when He was here on earth?!!? I don’t remember hearing nor reading anywhere in the Bible that says he did, therefore, healing must be the will of God as well!!
I kinda felt like I almost separated Jesus and God from each other when I would read the Bible. Here I would read about Jesus healing, loving, forgiving and I pictured God being more of the disciplinarian, the “scarier” One out of the two. When I would have my one of many breakdowns and I am praying, I tend to direct my anger towards God more and I will thank Jesus for all that He’s done for me …. now, that’s really twisted because they’re One!! I read about all the amazing things Jesus has done here on earth and I think I tend to forget at times that He is God in flesh.
This illness stole a lot from me. It took away my strength, it put me and my husband in a very tough financial spot last year, I am confined in our home most days, It took away my goals I had for my future, it stole the potential for me to do good things in life, I can’t do things I love doing anymore, it made me doubt God’s existence …. there’s is only one thief I know that would do this, and that is satan (my computer wants me to capitalize his name … he won’t get that luxury here :p) … the one who steals, kills and destroys!!!
If you go back to the blogs I posted months back, I mentioned in one of them that I believed this illness was from God. Well, I will say with full confidence now that God’s will for me is to be healthy … to live a long, healthy, joyful life! I believe it with every bit of my heart and that will never change!!
God was tugging at my heart to search for the real answer … the answer that was filled with truth, hope and love, not answers that were blank in my heart and on paper.
Thank you Lord for reminding me of who You really are …