Why Am I Sick?

I opened up my Bible study book last Tuesday and read what I wrote the night before … “Why am I sick?” …. and I stared at the blank white column next to it.

Last Monday, in my Bible study book, Priscilla asked to write down questions I’ve been asking God in one column and His answer in the next. “Surely, it must be God’s will for me that I am ill” I thought, and I closed the book. I did not want to continue because I presumed I knew the answer. There were no words written in “His Answer” column … I left it blank and planned on leaving it that way, but for some reason, I couldn’t look away from the column. “I need to fill this column … I can’t leave it blank” I thought.

I didn’t know where to begin, so, I opened the concordance in the back of my Bible and saw John 5:7 under ‘sick’. I opened it to John and read about how Jesus healed the disabled man. Then that led me to Matthew where Jesus healed Peter’s mother in law and then he healed those who were oppressed by demons. Then He healed the man with leprosy.  Then He healed blind men. Then He Healed a woman in the crowd. I mean, It was page after page with all the miraculous healings that Jesus did here on earth!!!

I paused and took a deep breath.

I’ve been to a few healing services and many times I’ve heard people say “If it’s God’s will, He will heal you.” And that stuck with me … I kept thinking “well, it must be God’s will that I am still sick” and that I should just accept it. I thought maybe I had done something so bad in the past that He is punishing me for it now, and I am being taught a lesson from it by being really sick. To be quite honest with you, I think this kind of thinking has put a huge wedge between me and The Lord. I can’t count on my fingers how many times I’ve laid on the floor, hopeless and crying out to Him and yelling that if He does exist that He is an evil God for allowing His children to suffer like this. I doubted His existence, I harbored anger towards Him and I resented Him.

Jesus taught us all that when we see Him, we see the Father …  and in John 5:30 Jesus says “I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgement is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of Him who sent me.” And maybe I am reading the verse wrong, I don’t know, but if Jesus is the revealed will of God from heaven, did Jesus make anyone sick when He was here on earth?!!? I don’t remember hearing nor reading anywhere in the Bible that says he did, therefore, healing must be the will of God as well!!

I kinda felt like I almost separated Jesus and God from each other when I would read the Bible. Here I would read about Jesus healing, loving, forgiving and I pictured God being more of the disciplinarian, the “scarier” One out of the two. When I would have my one of many breakdowns and I am praying, I tend to direct my anger towards God more and I will thank Jesus for all that He’s done for me …. now, that’s really twisted because they’re One!! I read about all the amazing things Jesus has done here on earth and I think I tend to forget at times that He is God in flesh.

This illness stole a lot from me. It took away my strength, it put me and my husband in a very tough financial spot last year, I am confined in our home most days, It took away my goals I had for my future, it stole the potential for me to do good things in life, I can’t do things I love doing anymore, it made me doubt God’s existence …. there’s is only one thief I know that would do this, and that is satan (my computer wants me to capitalize his name … he won’t get that luxury here :p) … the one who steals, kills and destroys!!!

If you go back to the blogs I posted months back, I mentioned in one of them that I believed this illness was from God. Well, I will say with full confidence now that God’s will for me is to be healthy … to live a long, healthy, joyful life! I believe it with every bit of my heart and that will never change!!

God was tugging at my heart to search for the real answer … the answer that was filled with truth, hope and love, not answers that were blank in my heart and on paper.

Thank you Lord for reminding me of who You really are … 

 

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7 thoughts on “Why Am I Sick?

  1. For sure this is something I struggle with as well… Only I’m too much of a coward to yell at Him. This illness definitely changes us. But we get to choose ultimately how we change. There may be blips along the way, but ultimately, if we allow, the Holy Spirit will gently shape and mold us into what He has for us–more of our true identity in Him. It’s no journey I would ever wish on anyone else though!

    • Mrscomfotable,
      The good thing is, is that God can handle our outbursts. He wants us to come to Him when we are hurting, crying, angry, confused, etc. For me, there is a huge comfort/peace that comes when I am in total agony and crying at His feet!
      I love what you said about allowing the Holy Spirit to gently shape and mold us into what God wants us to be, which is to be more like Him! I know that is exactly what we are going through; a beautiful transformation! 🙂

      • hahah!!! I was wondering who it was!! I knew your first name was lauren, but didn’t know your last name!! How was acupuncture?!? Would love to hear how it went!! Hope you are feeling well, girl!! XOXO

      • Had one treatment so far and it was so SO relaxing! I was immediately relaxed and began thinking all of these positive affirmation type thoughts that came out of nowhere! It was really interesting! Just about how I am filled with the Holy Spirit and therefore the same power that not only made these bacteria and stuff, but also that power can kill them as well and heal me, etc. It was really amazing. Especially since it stems from a different religion/region! God is good. 🙂 And I can’t say that I’ve had any major changes since that first visit yet, but it’s only been one. He says every two weeks or so. Which is ok… My insurance doesn’t cover any acupuncture. It WILL however cover loads of tai chi and yoga classes! How weird is that?? xo

      • Isn’t it weird?!? That’s how I felt a few days after my sessions .. extremely positive and ready to conquer the world haha!!I am so happy that you are trying acupuncture … I will be praying for you that it will help A LOT!! 🙂
        My insurance doesn’t cover it either .. it is not cheap!! haha!! what kind of yoga do you do? does it help? I was thinking about trying it but my balance is not the best and I feel like I would fall or something! And, yes God is SOOO good!! 🙂 xoxo

      • Oh I don’t do yoga. Yet. My insurance will cover it but my body isn’t able to do it yet. Hopefully soon though! And at that point I will probably do chair yoga to start. 🙂

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