My Testimony – Something BIG

I don’t think I’ve shared my testimony on my blog.

If I have, I apologize in advance.

I entered a post on the Women of Faith website last year, and they ended up publishing it onto their blog!! I actually screamed when I received an email from them!! I was elated, to say the least!

Instead of writing it out all over again, I just thought I would post the link on here for you all to check out!!

http://www.womenoffaith.com/2013/02/something-big/

Everyone has a testimony to share, what is yours?!?

 

Blessings & Love,

Aish Xoxo

Advertisements

“I am Transforming You”

It was a chilly fall morning.

I lay in bed gazing out the window, carefully watching each leaf sway.

“How did all the trees look so vibrant with all the beautiful red, orange and gold colors last week, and now, they practically look dead?” I asked myself.

I brushed it off and got on with my day.

After breakfast, I came back to my room, I knelt before the Lord and prayed my morning prayer.

I feel closer to God when I gaze at His creation. Trees, birds, the sky, etc,  give me a tremendous amount of peace when I am praying, and that only comes from being in His presence. So, I always pray in front of the big window in my bedroom.

It was an ordinary morning. I opened up my prayer in thanksgiving and made my requests made known to Him, at the same time, watching most of the lifeless leaves fall slowly to the ground and others swaying back and forth from the tree branch.

In the middle of my prayer, I became silent & my eyes were fixed on the leaves.

A gust of wind came rushing by and took down the last leaves that were swaying.

Some of them drifted off in a distance, and others lay quietly in a pile.

“For the leaves to come new, they have to die, my sweet child.”

That was the first time in my life, since I became a believer, I heard God very clearly speaking to me. I may not have heard a loud-thundering voice … but I just knew it was Him.

I have struggled for a long time to hear God’s voice, and then there are others who seem to have God’s number in their contact list. He is finding them parking spots and telling them what decision to make! I felt as if I was missing a Christian chromosome and would never be able to hear His voice.

As I knelt on the floor, I felt Him gently whispering to me “You are in the process of a spiritual transformation, my child … your old-self dying to your new-self.”

Things I enjoyed doing before I became ill, I don’t enjoy doing anymore. Things that used to make me laugh back then (dirty jokes, etc), don’t make me laugh anymore. TV shows and movies I enjoyed watching back then, I don’t enjoy watching anymore.

My mind is transforming, my heart is transforming and my soul is transforming into someone that God wants me to be!

I sat there in silence and tears went pouring down my cheeks. I couldn’t finish my prayer … I bowed my head and quietly whispered, “Thank you, Lord.”

This happened to me in the beginning of fall. I wanted to write a post about it then, but I had no idea how to convey it into words, because to be quite honest with you, words can’t describe what I felt and what I heard that chilly fall morning. I prayed hard about it for a while now and asked The Holy Spirit to guide my fingers while I write this post today, because I couldn’t have done it otherwise!

You and I have asked God to remove our suffering numerous times, and the answer may have been “not yet”, and that is okay, because He is transforming our suffering into something that will be beneficial for us and will bring glory to Him!

Lean on Him …

Don’t give up …

We have new life in Him.

Blessings & Love,

Aisha

 

 

 

 

 

Finding the New Normal

Am I going to be normal again?

I have asked myself this question a 100 times.

I day dream of doing Ballet again, I day dream of running on a cool, fall morning again. I day dream of having an abundance of energy again, I day dream of being with family & friends and actually enjoying my time with them instead of wondering if I am going to croak right there, right then, in front of everyone.

I spend too much time thinking about how I used to be healthy and all that I was physically able to do, and I forget about what I am currently able to do! It is an awful mindset and it puts me in a deep pit of depression!

No more …. I am done!

When I am sitting, complaining, that my eye floaters are driving me insane and wishing I had better vision – who cares! I mean really, who cares if I am swatting “flies” away when in reality they are my eye floaters. God has blessed me with two eyes that can see. I can see the beauty that is around me, I can see when my husband winks at me (one of my favorite things), I can see my beautiful family and so forth.That is a huge gift.

There were so many incidents when my husband and I would take walks and we would have to cut our walk short because my legs would get weak and shaky. Almost every time, I would secretly go to the bathroom and tear up because I thought my husband and I can’t even enjoy a beautiful summer walk because of me.

Two years ago, I had a very hard time walking. I couldn’t go to stores unless I held on to my husband or I was leaning against a cart for balance support. Today, I can walk by myself without having to hold on to anyone or anything! Yes, my legs are still weak, and yes, I still can’t run (YET), but I can walk with my husband (even if it is for a short time), I can run errands (even if I am exhausted afterwards), and this is another huge gift from God!!

I don’t know if I will ever be able to do some of the things I was able to do when I was healthier, and I want to be at peace with that.

I want to find the new normal for me this year.

I want to enjoy and be grateful for what I am able to do now and not look back at what I was able to do.

I want to enjoy my walks with my husband, even if they are 5 minutes long.

I want to enjoy our nights on the couch, watching movies, holding each others hands because I don’t feel good enough to leave the house.

I want to enjoy my time with my family, whether I feel awful or not, and remember the moments I have with them.

Time is short, friends …. we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. Let’s embrace and savor every moment!

I made a list of things I am currently able to do, and the smile on my face just grew wider and wider. I challenge you to do the same. Right now, get a piece of paper and a pen and write out the things you are physically able to do. It will shock you, and it will open your eyes to how little you lost from this illness! I used to say I lost a lot from this illness, but no, I gained way more FROM the things I lost.

God’s gifts are endless … we just have to open our eyes and look a little closer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Am I Sick?

I opened up my Bible study book last Tuesday and read what I wrote the night before … “Why am I sick?” …. and I stared at the blank white column next to it.

Last Monday, in my Bible study book, Priscilla asked to write down questions I’ve been asking God in one column and His answer in the next. “Surely, it must be God’s will for me that I am ill” I thought, and I closed the book. I did not want to continue because I presumed I knew the answer. There were no words written in “His Answer” column … I left it blank and planned on leaving it that way, but for some reason, I couldn’t look away from the column. “I need to fill this column … I can’t leave it blank” I thought.

I didn’t know where to begin, so, I opened the concordance in the back of my Bible and saw John 5:7 under ‘sick’. I opened it to John and read about how Jesus healed the disabled man. Then that led me to Matthew where Jesus healed Peter’s mother in law and then he healed those who were oppressed by demons. Then He healed the man with leprosy.  Then He healed blind men. Then He Healed a woman in the crowd. I mean, It was page after page with all the miraculous healings that Jesus did here on earth!!!

I paused and took a deep breath.

I’ve been to a few healing services and many times I’ve heard people say “If it’s God’s will, He will heal you.” And that stuck with me … I kept thinking “well, it must be God’s will that I am still sick” and that I should just accept it. I thought maybe I had done something so bad in the past that He is punishing me for it now, and I am being taught a lesson from it by being really sick. To be quite honest with you, I think this kind of thinking has put a huge wedge between me and The Lord. I can’t count on my fingers how many times I’ve laid on the floor, hopeless and crying out to Him and yelling that if He does exist that He is an evil God for allowing His children to suffer like this. I doubted His existence, I harbored anger towards Him and I resented Him.

Jesus taught us all that when we see Him, we see the Father …  and in John 5:30 Jesus says “I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgement is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of Him who sent me.” And maybe I am reading the verse wrong, I don’t know, but if Jesus is the revealed will of God from heaven, did Jesus make anyone sick when He was here on earth?!!? I don’t remember hearing nor reading anywhere in the Bible that says he did, therefore, healing must be the will of God as well!!

I kinda felt like I almost separated Jesus and God from each other when I would read the Bible. Here I would read about Jesus healing, loving, forgiving and I pictured God being more of the disciplinarian, the “scarier” One out of the two. When I would have my one of many breakdowns and I am praying, I tend to direct my anger towards God more and I will thank Jesus for all that He’s done for me …. now, that’s really twisted because they’re One!! I read about all the amazing things Jesus has done here on earth and I think I tend to forget at times that He is God in flesh.

This illness stole a lot from me. It took away my strength, it put me and my husband in a very tough financial spot last year, I am confined in our home most days, It took away my goals I had for my future, it stole the potential for me to do good things in life, I can’t do things I love doing anymore, it made me doubt God’s existence …. there’s is only one thief I know that would do this, and that is satan (my computer wants me to capitalize his name … he won’t get that luxury here :p) … the one who steals, kills and destroys!!!

If you go back to the blogs I posted months back, I mentioned in one of them that I believed this illness was from God. Well, I will say with full confidence now that God’s will for me is to be healthy … to live a long, healthy, joyful life! I believe it with every bit of my heart and that will never change!!

God was tugging at my heart to search for the real answer … the answer that was filled with truth, hope and love, not answers that were blank in my heart and on paper.

Thank you Lord for reminding me of who You really are … 

 

And There Was Light …

It is dark … so dark.

My eyes hurt from crying. My body is weak. I hurt all over.

I’m tired … my body doesn’t want to fight anymore.

My eyes are closed and tears are streaming down my face, feeling like God forgot about me, “Hello, God, I am right here … it’s Aisha, again!!” The feelings of hopelessness and despair took over my soul a few days ago. I felt like I was forgotten about, I felt alone, I felt like there was no point to my existence.

“Let there be light” … these four words kept popping up in my head as I laid in bed motionless. I tried avoiding it because I was physically too weak to acknowledge it. I heard it again, “let there be light” and I thought “yes, God, I could use a little light in my life right now … any day would be great.” more tears went down my cheeks, and there it was again “let there be light”. I’ve been praying lately that God would help me be more obedient to Him, so, I thought this was probably a good time to act on that. My body was so weak I did not want to get up, but I did anyways. I swung my legs to the side of the bed and my feet dropped to the floor. The pain in my legs hurt so bad, the shakiness in my legs felt like I was going to collapse and the room was spinning from the dizziness … “who is this 90 year old’s body??!” I thought!

I had my Bible in my hands and I opened it to Genesis. Last time I read Genesis was when I first became a Christian, so, it has been a while. I read Genesis 1:2-3 “The earth was without form and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.Then God said ‘let there be light’ and there was light.” I paused, and read it again and again and let me tell you, this verse hit me HARD! This is what I love about God’s Word, we can read a verse numerous times and it will speak to us more and more every time we read it! Back to the whole earth thing. It was dark, with NO light. It was without form … o my gosh, I don’t think my brain can fathom this! It pretty much existed but had no purpose … Lord, I totally know how the earth felt!! This illness robbed so much from me – my job, my health, my schooling, my goals, things I enjoy doing, etc .. and some days I just feel like I don’t know what my purpose is on earth. In the midst of all the pain, I tend to look at my life the way the earth looked back in the early days – dark, lonely, lost and a mess – wondering if God is really able to bring light into the pit of darkness that I am in.

While reading the beginning of Genesis, I closed my eyes and I pictured God joyfully gazing at the dark earth because he has the perfect vision for it – He sees the amazing potential it has – beauty that He can create out of nothing, order out of complete chaos, fullness out of complete emptiness and light out of complete darkness. Everything He envisioned fell into place beautifully, and that includes you, me and everyone else. Just like the trees, the stars, the sun, the waters, the animals all have a purpose; so do we! Life is so tough … I am only 27, and let me just say that I’ve had my fair share of trial after trial, but there is one thing I am certain of, and that is that God wants me here … I don’t know why ( just like I don’t know why mosquitoes or ticks exist) and I may never know why, but He created me, He breathed His love into me and He wanted me to be part of His beautiful vision and my gosh that makes me feel pretty darn special. Same goes for you too!!

The same way God made fullness out of emptiness, beauty out of nothing, light out of darkness …. He will do the same for me too, because I am His.

I am only assuming here – God created “this light” before the sun, stars and moon. This got me thinking, could this be a glimpse of light that shined from God? Was the light that I’ve been searching for in the midst of my illness with me this entire time? Jesus said “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12.

I’ve been hearing too many stories of people with Lyme that have committed suicide lately and I’ve spoken with some friends who have just had it with this illness. They simply don’t have the strength to push through it anymore and trust me, I get it … I really do. If you are one of those people right now, I’m asking you to open up God’s Word and spend some quality time with Him. He will breath strength in you, He will sustain you, He will deliver you and He will shine His light through you. He made you because He loves you and He wants you here. You have a purpose and don’t ever forget that … you are fearfully and wonderfully made!!

Will you follow His light with me?!

Healing comes when we move away from all the darkness and walk toward His light.

Let’s follow Him, friend!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marriage & Trials

“Open your eyes and turn around” Marc said to me, with his big blue eyes, cute smile and a shaky ring box in his hand. I chucked my 10 dollar ring across the room, got on my knees, I hugged him so tight and we both cried.

I was so excited because I was going to be a wife … his wife!!

He slipped the ring on my finger …. not knowing what that ring really meant until a few years later.

***

Even though I was baptized and I had accepted Jesus into my heart a year before Marc and I got married, my life and even me and Marc’s relationship was not centered in Christ. Yes, I went to Church (when I felt like it), yes, I prayed (when I needed Him), yes, I called myself a Christian, but I really wasn’t.

My priorities were not right.

Shortly after Marc and I got married, I would often feel Something tugging at my heart to open The Bible more and I would hear His whisper “read my words, Aisha”. Sadly, I ignored it because in my mind I had better things to do, like go out with my friends or watch hours of pointless TV shows. I am not saying hanging out with friends is bad, but I made no time for The Lord when He clearly wanted me to make time for Him … that was bad.

Jonah disobeyed God and ran away from Him because he did not want to do what The Lord had commanded Him to do. Long story short, Jonah ended up being swallowed by a big fish and while he was inside the fish he prayed and asked for forgiveness from God. After three days God commanded the fish to spit Jonah out and God forgave him.

I can relate to this story in so many ways. I was running away from God, wanting to do what I wanted to do, but The Lord had other plans for me. He wanted me to stop doing what I was doing and turn my life to Him and the only way that could happen was me becoming ill and being house bound most days. I’m not a 100% sure if this illness is from God, but there is something in my heart that tells me it is.

Since Marc and I got married, we had a lot of trials come our way. The first 6 months of our marriage we lived an hour and a half away from each other, then my father was diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the liver, then one of Marc’s good childhood friends took his own life, then my parents were evicted from their home, then more problems with my family, then I became ill and life became harder and harder. It felt like it was one thing after another.

I had a very secular view on what marriage was going to be like for Marc and I; we would make money, travel, have fun with our friends, buy nice things and just be happy. I did not know what God’s primary intent for marriage was. Since I became ill, I, sometimes would compare myself to our friends who were making more money than we were, who were traveling and ones who “looked” happy and it would just put me in this pit of self pity and despair! It wasn’t until recently that I truly understood what God’s purpose for marriage was.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Being married is not about me and Marc being happy, and it is definitely not a place where we can finally get our needs met either … it is NOT about me or Marc, period! God’s purpose for marriage is to glorify Him, to serve Him and to shape us into the image of His son. Every trial we endure and every difficulty we face is to help mold & shape us into the image of Jesus, and Marc and I are learning how to welcome these trials with open arms because we both want to be shaped and molded into His image.

Jesus was made perfect through His suffering … we need to be reminded by that.

The ring Marc and I placed on each others fingers were a promise to God that we will both help one another become more holy and more like Jesus.

He is our priority today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Teta

I climbed the fig tree and grabbed a handful of figs.

“Teta is going to love these ones” I said.

I ran upstairs, opened the metal door and ran towards her. She hugged me and kissed my cheeks about a 100 times. I opened my hands to show her the figs I picked for her and I. She looked at them with a huge smile on her face and told me to go rinse them off so we can enjoy eating them together. After rinsing them off, I plopped down next to her, on the one couch she always sat on, and ate those delicious juicy figs together.

This is one of many fond memories of my teta (grandma in Arabic), Aisha. Yes, I was named after my sweet teta.

It is very common in The Middle East for families to live in duplexes or triplexes; we lived in a triplex. It was my family on the first level, my sweet teta on the second level, and my fathers uncle and his family on the third level. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

So many sweet memories …

Teta had a very hard time walking, therefore, she wasn’t able to do much around her house. She used to walk with a cane, so we came up with this idea that if she needed anything she would pound her cane on the floor three times (she did not buy a cell phone until we moved to The States). Every time we heard that cane pound on our ceiling, all four of us kids would run to the door, and whoever made it first, was usually the one to go upstairs and help her.

We loved her so …

Teta loved plants. She had them in her house and all the way out to the balcony. She especially loved white lillies. The only thing I think of when I smell and see white lillies is my sweet teta. I would help water her plants for her quite often, it would seriously take hours … I am not kidding … but I enjoyed every single minute of it because I got to spend time with her. After watering her beautiful plants, I would squeegee the entire living room floor for her. I am not sure if squeegees were ever big in The States, but they were a must in Jordan  … we used it constantly. When we first moved here, I thought it was so bizarre that people didn’t use squeegees!

One of the biggest Muslim holidays is called Eid-al-adha, and It means the “Feast of Sacrifice”. It commemorates Abraham’s faith and devotion to God. It was our favorite holiday growing up! I didn’t understand the religious meaning behind it as a child, but all I knew was that I couldn’t wait for it, because we got to buy fancy outfits, shoes and the whole shebang. We would wake up at 4 am, shower, and put our new outfits on. We would jump for joy because we couldn’t wait to see teta’s face when she saw us in our new outfits. We would run up the stairs, open her metal door and all four of us would run towards her. Each one of us would kiss her right hand and then place it on our forehead (this is very common in The Middle East, it’s a gesture of respect to the elders). She would look at each one of us, kiss our cheeks a 100 times and tell us how beautiful we are.

Oh, how I miss her so …

She helped raise us, she cooked for us everyday, she held us when we cried, she loved us a lot, she laughed with us, she kissed us so many times, she taught us so much … she was the joy in our hearts!

{I think about you every day, teta. I miss your tight hugs and kisses … I miss eating figs with you and watering your beautiful plants … I miss my favorite eggs … I miss your smile. Oh, I can’t wait to run to you again!}

teta208118_4406964327_6611_nteta2

A Season of Trials (4)

I opened the email.

And there it was. Names of six doctors that specialize in this illness and that can treat me!

Thank you, Father.

I wanted answers so bad and after a very long six months of suffering and over a 100 crazy symptoms, I was finally going to get it. Waiting one week for that appointment felt like a lifetime!

In the meantime, my sweet mother and sister came to help me with chores around the house and drive me to my appointment. While Marc was at work during the day, I would lay on the couch and just cry most days. So, having them around for that one week helped my mental state quite a bit.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012, the day of my appointment. We parked the car and as soon as the car was turned off, I breathed a sigh of relief. I opened the car door and looked up at the gray gloomy sky and I said nothing but smile at God. I didn’t need a clear blue sky and a bright shining sun to feel His presence … there’s a different kind of peace that comes from Him in the midst of grayness and gloominess!

While walking towards the door, I remember looking at my shaky weak legs and in my mind I said “this is the last time you ugly things (the bacteria) can have fun in my body, because I am coming after you!” yes, my mental state was declining and I was talking to the bacteria in my body … don’t judge :p

I wanted to give my doctor a huge hug when I first met her! We sat down and she had me fill out a symptom check list, no joke, I checked off almost everything on that page! And there were symptoms I had a hard time explaining to others, and sure enough it was on there … I wanted to do the happy dance. We talked for an hour and a half and she affirmed that I do have it. Since the testing is so inaccurate, they treat based on symptoms. This is what it says right below the test results “A negative result does not exclude the possibility of infection” …. really?! so then what? unfortunately, most people suffer with a spew of symptoms for the rest of their lives and some die, because most doctors don’t do anything past that point. This has to change.

Besides the medications she prescribed, she told me all the foods I had to avoid to reduce inflammation in my body and all the supplements I had to take. She warned me about this thing called a Herxheimer reaction, it sounds scary doesn’t it? well, it is!! A Herxheimer reaction is when the immune system reacts to toxins that are released when large amounts of bacteria are being killed off, and the body doesn’t get rid of the toxins quickly enough. So, when I take the antibiotics, it kills the bacteria, and therefore it releases toxins in my body which makes me REALLY sick. I honestly can’t even count how many times I’ve been to the ER just because of this Herxheimer reaction. Best way to describe it, I literally feel like I am dying. That is why detoxing is so crucial with this illness!

I was excited about my treatment plan, but at the same time I was very overwhelmed.

I had to change my diet completely, take medications (I wasn’t one to ever take medications, unless I really had to), take supplements, detox and so much more! But, it had to be done.

That first week of starting my treatment plan, I noticed a little boost of energy. I knew then I was on the right track, but it wasn’t a fast and an easy fix. The first few months of being on medication I had more bad days than good days, and it was very very tough.  My balance was really bad the first 4 months, if I had to go get a few things from the grocery store I had to use a cart as a “walker” because I felt like I was going to fall. I actually cried once in the grocery store and had to leave, because I would just watch how fast people were walking and envied how they didn’t need a cart for balance.

In the middle of July, 2012 I went into target and I was confident enough to walk without my “walker” and sure enough, I did it! I can’t even begin to tell you how good it felt to just simply walk. I walked around the entire store and went down every isle … It felt great. I will never ever take anything for granted again, and that includes little and big things in life!

So, friends, that is my story in a nut shell!

I am slowly but surely improving, however, I still have bad days where it is tough to get off the couch, but that is part of the illness and I am okay with that now!

As much as I hate this illness, I am thankful for it, because really good things came out of it and I believe there are still good things that are going to come out of it. I am much much closer with The Lord, I actually have a relationship with Him compared to before being sick. There is nothing that makes my heart more content and joyful than bathing in Gods Word, and what a privilege I have that I get to do that everyday! I have an amazing relationship with my mother compared to before I was ill. Marc and I had a very difficult year and a half and it was and still is far from perfect in many ways, but it was always centered on The One who is, and that brought us so much closer to each other. My heart and mind are forever changed … I feel the Lord’s gentle hands molding and shaping me into the woman He wants me to be … what an honor that is!

I used to get angry and dwell at the fact that I had to drop out of school because of this illness. I may not be in nursing school right now but I am in God’s school, and let me tell you, it is harder than any school I will ever attend and harder than any test I will ever take.

The only diploma I need in life is one from The Lord saying “You did well, my child, you did well.”

A Season of Trials (3)

I prayed, but I was still very afraid.

I was shunned by the medical community and I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do next. As the days went on, my entire body was getting weaker and weaker and I was noticing scary new symptoms. I truly believed I was developing early stages of ALS, because I was having a difficult time swallowing my own saliva and food. I was also losing a ton of weight on top of all that.

Some nights before I went to bed I would pray for help and answers, but most nights I prayed that The Lord would take me away in my sleep. I was beyond depressed. Ever since I was a little girl, I prayed that God would bless me with a wonderful husband, and by His loving grace He did. Besides getting baptized, getting married to Marc was the second best day of my life. The man I prayed for since I was a little girl, is now my husband. So, the thought of me dying and leaving my husband behind put me in a state of extreme depression and anxiety. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the movie “Over Her Dead Body”, but It’s about these newly engaged couple, and this man’s fiance (Eva Longoria) dies suddenly in a car accident. Eva Longoria comes back as a ghost and tries to stop the relationship her fiance was pursuing with this other woman. I would think to myself “I am totally going to be Eva Longoria if I die from this mystery illness” Sorry Marc :p !! But, I digress … these horrible thoughts consumed my mind daily. Not only was I declining physically but mentally as well!

I was ready to be done with this season of life.

My mind that is part of the image of God where He communicates with me and reveals His will for me, was distorted by Satan. I forgot what happiness felt like … I forgot what it felt like to laugh and smile! My mind became a battleground of a spiritual warfare, and let me tell you, the enemy did a good job … but not for long.

I had a very big God by my side and the victory is always with Him.

At my very lowest and weakest point … The Lord lead me to open my Bible and dig into His Words for strength, daily. Strength that I lacked spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. And guess what? little by little, day by day and the more I dug into His Words, I felt a little stronger in every way each day.

His words became my anchor.

One day, I felt like I needed to do more research on Lyme Disease. I spent about 6 hours reading all the controversial articles about this illness, and I thankfully stumbled upon a blog of a woman who suffered from Chronic Lyme Disease and Co-infections. I should probably elaborate a little on the Co-infection part, so you are not confused when I mention Co-infections. In my case my doctor thinks I have Lyme Disease along with Babesia (co-infection), Bartonella (Co-infection), Ehrlichia (Co-infection) and Rocky mountain spotted fever (Co-infection). Each Co-infection differs from the other and from the Lyme bacteria, and each one produces new symptoms. That is why I had over a 100 symptoms! Anyhow, while reading this woman’s blog, I felt as if I was reading my own life. Her symptoms, quitting her job and nursing school … everything just fit what I was going through to the T! It was an aha moment for me! I needed to be on antibiotics longer than 7 days and I needed a doctor that specialized in this illness. I looked up Minnesota Lyme Association online, I emailed them telling them about my situation and I asked them for names of doctors that specialize in this illness and that I needed help ASAP. The following day I get a phone call from a very sweet woman, and not too far into the conversation she said “I am going to help you find the doctor that will get you better” I instantly started sobbing … I couldn’t keep it together.

It was a cry of relief … a cry of hope.

As soon as I got off the phone, Marc gave me the biggest hug and kissed my salty watery cheeks, “we’ll get through this, and I will do everything I can to get you better” he said.

I had a wonderful man by my side, but most importantly I had a God who is able.

Who is able to conquer all the powers of evil. Who is able to move mountains. Who is able to part the red sea. Who is able to sustain all of our needs. Who is able to do more than I can ever imagine. Who is able to heal …. yes, that is my God!!

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20

To be continued ….

His Light

[Quick random post]

I had a tough day today. Earlier in the day I was able to get out for a bit and run some errands, which was nice, because I’ve been so dizzy the past 4 days and I haven’t been able to drive anywhere! Shortly after I got home, I felt pretty rotten. This illness truly baffles me. One second I feel good, and the next I just feel awful … REALLY weird!! I was putting the groceries away while the kitchen room was spinning, my head pounding, vertigo like no other, shaky legs, fatigue and an icky stomach. I felt discouraged and upset . Of course, when you are upset little things like an apple falling out of your grocery bag makes you want to smash it … it was one of those days! When I am upset, I need to do something that keeps me busy … like cleaning. I was doing the dishes (by the way, I love doing dishes … weird, I know!) and guess who creeps his way into my mind? … you guessed it! Thoughts like “I am never going to get better” “is this what life is going to be like for me?” “what did I do to deserve this?” were consuming my mind. I close my eyes and ask God to help me.

I go and lay down on the couch, with an ice pack on my head and I start crying. My hubby walks in the door from work and asks me how I am feeling. My voice was shaky and I just say “fine”. He knows me too well, so he gets closer, kisses me on the forehead and sits down next to me. I told him it is so hard being sick almost everyday for a year and a half now. He held my hand and he was trying his best to comfort me (I am so blessed for this man), which he did, but I was still somewhat sad and discouraged. My eyes were closed while tears were going down my cheeks. I turn my head and I look out the window, and I notice the sky was pretty gloomy but I could see the shape of the sun behind the gloomy clouds … it caught my eye. I turn my head away from the window, I close my eyes and cry some more. When I physically feel very ill, like today, it is hard for me to take some time out and read scripture because my mind cannot retain anything (Lyme affects the brain in many ways) … but I can pray, and that’s what I did. I laid on the couch, with my eyes closed and simply just said “O, Father, I need You now.” That was all I could say … and that was all He needed.

A few minutes later, I feel this comforting warmth on my cheek and my tears slowly drying. I turn my head and look out the window, and I see the sun behind the gloomy clouds trying to shine brighter through the darkness. Bigger and brighter by the second. I couldn’t look away. I have seen the sun shine a gazillion times, but this was different … I felt Him. I close my eyes … His light shining on my face … I feel His peace … and all my tears are gone.

“I will wipe every tear from your eyes … I am here, my child, I’m here” He whispers.

“The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork. Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge. There is no speech, nor are there words, whose voice is not heard. Their voice goes out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world. In them he has set a tent for the sun.” Psalm 19:1-4