Am I going to be normal again?
I have asked myself this question a 100 times.
I day dream of doing Ballet again, I day dream of running on a cool, fall morning again. I day dream of having an abundance of energy again, I day dream of being with family & friends and actually enjoying my time with them instead of wondering if I am going to croak right there, right then, in front of everyone.
I spend too much time thinking about how I used to be healthy and all that I was physically able to do, and I forget about what I am currently able to do! It is an awful mindset and it puts me in a deep pit of depression!
No more …. I am done!
When I am sitting, complaining, that my eye floaters are driving me insane and wishing I had better vision – who cares! I mean really, who cares if I am swatting “flies” away when in reality they are my eye floaters. God has blessed me with two eyes that can see. I can see the beauty that is around me, I can see when my husband winks at me (one of my favorite things), I can see my beautiful family and so forth.That is a huge gift.
There were so many incidents when my husband and I would take walks and we would have to cut our walk short because my legs would get weak and shaky. Almost every time, I would secretly go to the bathroom and tear up because I thought my husband and I can’t even enjoy a beautiful summer walk because of me.
Two years ago, I had a very hard time walking. I couldn’t go to stores unless I held on to my husband or I was leaning against a cart for balance support. Today, I can walk by myself without having to hold on to anyone or anything! Yes, my legs are still weak, and yes, I still can’t run (YET), but I can walk with my husband (even if it is for a short time), I can run errands (even if I am exhausted afterwards), and this is another huge gift from God!!
I don’t know if I will ever be able to do some of the things I was able to do when I was healthier, and I want to be at peace with that.
I want to find the new normal for me this year.
I want to enjoy and be grateful for what I am able to do now and not look back at what I was able to do.
I want to enjoy my walks with my husband, even if they are 5 minutes long.
I want to enjoy our nights on the couch, watching movies, holding each others hands because I don’t feel good enough to leave the house.
I want to enjoy my time with my family, whether I feel awful or not, and remember the moments I have with them.
Time is short, friends …. we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. Let’s embrace and savor every moment!
I made a list of things I am currently able to do, and the smile on my face just grew wider and wider. I challenge you to do the same. Right now, get a piece of paper and a pen and write out the things you are physically able to do. It will shock you, and it will open your eyes to how little you lost from this illness! I used to say I lost a lot from this illness, but no, I gained way more FROM the things I lost.
God’s gifts are endless … we just have to open our eyes and look a little closer.