Finding the New Normal

Am I going to be normal again?

I have asked myself this question a 100 times.

I day dream of doing Ballet again, I day dream of running on a cool, fall morning again. I day dream of having an abundance of energy again, I day dream of being with family & friends and actually enjoying my time with them instead of wondering if I am going to croak right there, right then, in front of everyone.

I spend too much time thinking about how I used to be healthy and all that I was physically able to do, and I forget about what I am currently able to do! It is an awful mindset and it puts me in a deep pit of depression!

No more …. I am done!

When I am sitting, complaining, that my eye floaters are driving me insane and wishing I had better vision – who cares! I mean really, who cares if I am swatting “flies” away when in reality they are my eye floaters. God has blessed me with two eyes that can see. I can see the beauty that is around me, I can see when my husband winks at me (one of my favorite things), I can see my beautiful family and so forth.That is a huge gift.

There were so many incidents when my husband and I would take walks and we would have to cut our walk short because my legs would get weak and shaky. Almost every time, I would secretly go to the bathroom and tear up because I thought my husband and I can’t even enjoy a beautiful summer walk because of me.

Two years ago, I had a very hard time walking. I couldn’t go to stores unless I held on to my husband or I was leaning against a cart for balance support. Today, I can walk by myself without having to hold on to anyone or anything! Yes, my legs are still weak, and yes, I still can’t run (YET), but I can walk with my husband (even if it is for a short time), I can run errands (even if I am exhausted afterwards), and this is another huge gift from God!!

I don’t know if I will ever be able to do some of the things I was able to do when I was healthier, and I want to be at peace with that.

I want to find the new normal for me this year.

I want to enjoy and be grateful for what I am able to do now and not look back at what I was able to do.

I want to enjoy my walks with my husband, even if they are 5 minutes long.

I want to enjoy our nights on the couch, watching movies, holding each others hands because I don’t feel good enough to leave the house.

I want to enjoy my time with my family, whether I feel awful or not, and remember the moments I have with them.

Time is short, friends …. we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. Let’s embrace and savor every moment!

I made a list of things I am currently able to do, and the smile on my face just grew wider and wider. I challenge you to do the same. Right now, get a piece of paper and a pen and write out the things you are physically able to do. It will shock you, and it will open your eyes to how little you lost from this illness! I used to say I lost a lot from this illness, but no, I gained way more FROM the things I lost.

God’s gifts are endless … we just have to open our eyes and look a little closer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prayer Requests

This past month and a half has been very tough … physically, emotionally, mentally … all of it! I have been off antibiotics for a month and half now, because the last antibiotic I was on completely ruined my gut. So, I’ve been having gut issues on top of some of my old symptoms coming back because I am not in treatment right now.

Thankfully, I started a medication for my gut two days ago and it has helped tremendously. No pain, no cramps and hardly any nausea … so that’s good. The cramps were HORRIBLE! I don’t know what giving birth feels like, but if it’s anywhere near the cramps I had … then, I might pass on the whole giving birth part! Adoption sounds like a better idea!

Because of this whole gut issue, I had to do a very strict clean diet. I’ve been losing weight with this diet, and it’s been stressing me out because I can’t afford losing any more pounds because I am tiny as it is! I decided to go to the Co-op today and get a protein shake. Let me back track a bit and say that I have been feeling really crappy today .. weakness, kind of dizzy and my mood wasn’t the best. Back to my little story, my awesome, handy GPS gives me the wrong directions on my way there and I was pretty much going in circles, for like 20 minutes… I was very tempted to chuck my phone out the window.

At this point, I was feeling very overwhelmed.

Marc calls me while I was at the Co-op, and I almost started crying on the phone with him because I was stressed out with everything, and all of a sudden I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath … almost like I was suffocating (last time I felt like this, I had a panic attack). I kept trying to calm myself  by breathing, but at the same time I was rushing to get my stuff and get out of there! I get to the protein shake isle, and a sweet gal came up to me asking me if I needed help. I told her what I was looking for, so she grabbed a protein shake bottle and was explaining why it was good and yada yada … I was standing there and all of a sudden I felt very dizzy, lightheaded and my heart started pounding. I knew I was having a panic attack. I grabbed the protein shake out of her hand while she was talking, and I just pretty much walked away, fast, without saying anything (Sorry sweel girl at the Co-op). I get to the cashier and I was like speedy gonzales .. I’ve never put groceries on the counter so fast in my life!

I get to my car and I just sit and wait until it passes. I was dreading the 20 minute drive back home … but, I had no other way. Finally, after 45 min of deep breathing techniques along with prayers. I calmed down , said another prayer, and drove away!

This was the second panic attack I’ve had. The first one was two months ago … and I was driving!! I actually ended up calling 911 because I literally felt like I was dying!

Prior to my illness, I’ve never ever had a panic attack, never suffered from anxiety … nothing! The Co-infection Bartonella causes anxiety and panic attacks, and all my symptoms right now scream Bartonella. So, I need to get back on antibiotics, but I don’t know if my gut can handle oral medications right now. So, I’m not sure whether to take the natural route, or risk it and try orals again, or do a port. That’s why I am here asking you all for prayers please. Prayers for wisdom, guidance, knowledge, discernment and patience, for me, Marc and both of my doctors!!

It’s SOO tough, but I know The Lord will get us through this set back we are dealing with right now!

P.s: Don’t use a GPS on your phone anymore … apparently, they can trigger a panic attack :p

Blessings & love,

Aisha