“I am Transforming You”

It was a chilly fall morning.

I lay in bed gazing out the window, carefully watching each leaf sway.

“How did all the trees look so vibrant with all the beautiful red, orange and gold colors last week, and now, they practically look dead?” I asked myself.

I brushed it off and got on with my day.

After breakfast, I came back to my room, I knelt before the Lord and prayed my morning prayer.

I feel closer to God when I gaze at His creation. Trees, birds, the sky, etc,  give me a tremendous amount of peace when I am praying, and that only comes from being in His presence. So, I always pray in front of the big window in my bedroom.

It was an ordinary morning. I opened up my prayer in thanksgiving and made my requests made known to Him, at the same time, watching most of the lifeless leaves fall slowly to the ground and others swaying back and forth from the tree branch.

In the middle of my prayer, I became silent & my eyes were fixed on the leaves.

A gust of wind came rushing by and took down the last leaves that were swaying.

Some of them drifted off in a distance, and others lay quietly in a pile.

“For the leaves to come new, they have to die, my sweet child.”

That was the first time in my life, since I became a believer, I heard God very clearly speaking to me. I may not have heard a loud-thundering voice … but I just knew it was Him.

I have struggled for a long time to hear God’s voice, and then there are others who seem to have God’s number in their contact list. He is finding them parking spots and telling them what decision to make! I felt as if I was missing a Christian chromosome and would never be able to hear His voice.

As I knelt on the floor, I felt Him gently whispering to me “You are in the process of a spiritual transformation, my child … your old-self dying to your new-self.”

Things I enjoyed doing before I became ill, I don’t enjoy doing anymore. Things that used to make me laugh back then (dirty jokes, etc), don’t make me laugh anymore. TV shows and movies I enjoyed watching back then, I don’t enjoy watching anymore.

My mind is transforming, my heart is transforming and my soul is transforming into someone that God wants me to be!

I sat there in silence and tears went pouring down my cheeks. I couldn’t finish my prayer … I bowed my head and quietly whispered, “Thank you, Lord.”

This happened to me in the beginning of fall. I wanted to write a post about it then, but I had no idea how to convey it into words, because to be quite honest with you, words can’t describe what I felt and what I heard that chilly fall morning. I prayed hard about it for a while now and asked The Holy Spirit to guide my fingers while I write this post today, because I couldn’t have done it otherwise!

You and I have asked God to remove our suffering numerous times, and the answer may have been “not yet”, and that is okay, because He is transforming our suffering into something that will be beneficial for us and will bring glory to Him!

Lean on Him …

Don’t give up …

We have new life in Him.

Blessings & Love,

Aisha

 

 

 

 

 

Finding the New Normal

Am I going to be normal again?

I have asked myself this question a 100 times.

I day dream of doing Ballet again, I day dream of running on a cool, fall morning again. I day dream of having an abundance of energy again, I day dream of being with family & friends and actually enjoying my time with them instead of wondering if I am going to croak right there, right then, in front of everyone.

I spend too much time thinking about how I used to be healthy and all that I was physically able to do, and I forget about what I am currently able to do! It is an awful mindset and it puts me in a deep pit of depression!

No more …. I am done!

When I am sitting, complaining, that my eye floaters are driving me insane and wishing I had better vision – who cares! I mean really, who cares if I am swatting “flies” away when in reality they are my eye floaters. God has blessed me with two eyes that can see. I can see the beauty that is around me, I can see when my husband winks at me (one of my favorite things), I can see my beautiful family and so forth.That is a huge gift.

There were so many incidents when my husband and I would take walks and we would have to cut our walk short because my legs would get weak and shaky. Almost every time, I would secretly go to the bathroom and tear up because I thought my husband and I can’t even enjoy a beautiful summer walk because of me.

Two years ago, I had a very hard time walking. I couldn’t go to stores unless I held on to my husband or I was leaning against a cart for balance support. Today, I can walk by myself without having to hold on to anyone or anything! Yes, my legs are still weak, and yes, I still can’t run (YET), but I can walk with my husband (even if it is for a short time), I can run errands (even if I am exhausted afterwards), and this is another huge gift from God!!

I don’t know if I will ever be able to do some of the things I was able to do when I was healthier, and I want to be at peace with that.

I want to find the new normal for me this year.

I want to enjoy and be grateful for what I am able to do now and not look back at what I was able to do.

I want to enjoy my walks with my husband, even if they are 5 minutes long.

I want to enjoy our nights on the couch, watching movies, holding each others hands because I don’t feel good enough to leave the house.

I want to enjoy my time with my family, whether I feel awful or not, and remember the moments I have with them.

Time is short, friends …. we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. Let’s embrace and savor every moment!

I made a list of things I am currently able to do, and the smile on my face just grew wider and wider. I challenge you to do the same. Right now, get a piece of paper and a pen and write out the things you are physically able to do. It will shock you, and it will open your eyes to how little you lost from this illness! I used to say I lost a lot from this illness, but no, I gained way more FROM the things I lost.

God’s gifts are endless … we just have to open our eyes and look a little closer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Long Windy Road

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“But all along this hazardous, twisted road that doesn’t let you see very far ahead there are frequent signs that say, ‘the best is yet to come.’ And at the bottom right corner written with an unmistakable hand are the words, ‘as I live, says the Lord!’ ” John Piper

We will overcome, because He has overcome!!!

Blessings & Love,

Aish

The Storm – Waiting in Silence

The word “silence” has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

It so happened that I stumbled upon a powerful verse a few days after I met Chuck. I’ve never read it nor heard it before!

“For God alone, my soul waits in silence” Psalm 62:1 … this verse sends shivers all the way down to my spine when I read it.

I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like I am in one of the biggest storms of my life right now. So big that I feel like drowning because the waves are too big and the force of the winds are too strong against my body. I want to touch the shoreline so bad and I want to breath a huge sigh of relief, but the waves keep pushing me under into the sea of darkness and I only get a small glimpse of the shoreline!!

I can’t tell you how many times I have complained, moaned, groaned, questioned and cried because I want to be healed now … my time, my way!! I am doing the complete opposite of what God is asking me to do! I looked up the meaning of “wait” and this is what I found – “to remain stationary in readiness or expectation.” It is in our nature to want to fix things, especially when it comes to us or someone we love, and for me personally, waiting makes me extremely anxious and this is where the questioning and complaining comes in. Where is my faith when I am in the deep dark part of the sea questioning His ability to rescue me?! Not only am I not doing what He asked me to do, which is to be silent and wait upon Him, but my faith in Him is lacking! James 1:6-7 says “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.”

He is not asking much from me. I am to simply wait upon Him, in silence without any complaining …. that is all! I think it takes more strength to be still in the raging storm and trusting Him that He will extend His gentle hand to reach mine and pull me out of deep waters than me fighting the waves with little energy that I have!

Sweet friend, you might be fighting the big waves and the strong winds because you also want to get to the shoreline, but let’s embrace the sweet promises He has for me and you, and let’s patiently wait upon Him alone, in silence, and trust that His timing is always perfect!!

The shoreline will be that much better at the end …

 

Health Update – New Meds, New Doc …

I saw my new doctor almost a month ago … shame on me for not updating sooner!!

My hubby and I are in the process of building a home (should be done in a few weeks here :]) and we moved in with my in laws this past weekend. I had to start packing a few weeks before moving out because my body can’t handle doing it all at once, so, let’s just say I was REALLY busy!!

Anywho, my appointment went really good. My new doctor is great and I think she is going to be the one that will get me better! She has extensive knowledge in Lyme and Co’s, she knew about the gene mutation (c677t), she is great with nutrition. She knows a lot about supplements, naturals, and antibiotics (even though I want to stay away from antibiotic use for the time being). She is great!!

My treatment plan – I am to continue taking A-bart (2 drops in the day, 1 drop at night). She added Takuna (anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, anti-viral) 2 drops in the morning, just for now, and Bentonite Clay (2 capsules before bedtime). I am on a ton of supps – fish oil, magnesium, vitamin-c, b-12 (methycobalamin) my body can’t break down b12 because of my gene mutation so I take this kind of b12, Bioavailable Folate (quatrefolic) my body doesn’t make enough folic acid and doesn’t break it down either so I take this kind, vitamin D3 and some probiotics.

I didn’t start any of the new stuff until a week after my appointment because I felt pretty awful after coming back from Wisconsin. I was sleeping all day, felt super weak .. I just did not feel right. My mind was running wild with thoughts like “what if Lyme Disease is airborne now? especially since Lyme is endemic in WI” or “It was that mosquito that stung me … I probably have West Nile virus on top of all the other junk I have … great”. I went to the doctor and got some blood work done. My WBC were low and Lymphocytes were slightly elevated, the doctor said I probably had a viral infection going on. I was freaking out because last time my blood work was like this was when I had “flu like” symptoms at the beginning of my lyme journey. I emailed my primary (very very lyme friendly) four days later and told her what was going on and she put in an order for me to get my WBC and Lymphocytes rechecked. Thankfully, they were normal, but a few days after that I got a nasty cold and cough that lasted about a week (I guess there was a bad virus going on). I am better, but my gosh I felt really sick for a few weeks there. On top of that, I was herxing from starting the new meds … awful combo!!!

So here I am now, crossing my fingers all this works. She will be adding more things and upping the drops slowly down the road!!

I am constantly being reminded of God’s goodness. This time last year we were living with my brother-in-law and I seriously thought we were going to be living with him for years because of the circumstances we were in. Now, my wonderful/hard working husband and I are building our first home together. I am very very thankful!!

He is so good.

Blessings & love,

Aish 🙂

 

Whom Shall I fear?

Fear has been my evil buddy ever since I can remember.

It all started when I was a little girl. Before I would go to bed, almost every night, I would make sure the front door is locked; fearing someone would break in and murder us.

I feared school. I went to a Greek Orthodox school in Jordan (private school), from 1st to 8th grade, and the principle was a nun, she was probably one of the meanest women I will ever encounter. I loathed the dress code at that school, not to mention the hideous uniforms we had to wear (they literally looked like an apron …yes, an apron). One day I wore shorts that were only a couple of inches above my knee and during recess she must have seen me, because I was called into her office. I was literally pinned to the wall and her nose was touching my nose and she was screaming bloody murder at me … I was mortified!! The teachers were very strict, I struggled in school even though I enjoyed learning – I would literally get a stomach ache every morning before going to school and some nights I couldn’t fall sleep because I feared going to school.

When my parents would go to a wedding, or on a date, or visit family without me, I would be a nervous wreck the entire time they’re gone – I vividly remember that feeling – Stomach ache, nausea, and almost in tears that they would die because I wasn’t there to save them if anything bad were to happen to them. I still deal with this fear with my husband, siblings and parents.

I am not exactly sure why I have these fears, maybe it’s because I never felt safe as a child because I grew up with an alcoholic father and I felt the need to try and control something in my life when everything in my life was complete chaos … I don’t know.

But I fear … a lot.

Since I became ill with Lyme, I realized how controlling I am as a person. I want to control my illness so bad because I fear dying. Uncertainty scares me, and there’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, so, I try to control it! I need to remind myself daily that that power is not mine .. it is only God’s. I am trying to control so much in my life that I am missing out on the beautiful adventures of living.

I am certain that David and I would have been best buds. I can totally relate to his mood swings in the book of Psalms. My prayers sound A LOT like his … example: Day 1 prayer “Lord, you are so amazing .. thank you thank you for everything” day 2 prayer “Lord, I can’t do this anymore. Where are you?” day 3 prayer “Lord, thank you for healing me” day 4 prayer “Lord, why aren’t I healed already?” … I trust Him one minute, then fear the next.

“The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalms 27:1 … I had to quote one of David’s prayers, of course. I mean really, whom shall I fear? I have the greatest physician of all, the merciful, the maker of the universe, the One that can destroy the spirit of death with me always … yet, I fear. He wants to grab my steering wheel with His two hands but I reach with my one hand and get a good grip on it just to make sure He’s able to drive. I can’t hold the steering wheel and let God drive at the same time if I want peace in my life.

Help me let go of the wheel …

I love this verse in Psalm 77:19-20 “Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.” The God who has done these great things definitely has the power to do them again … sometimes I tend to forget this!

Love and trust go hand in hand … I love The Lord, but I want to love Him more … I want to trust Him more … I want to be more obedient to Him … I want to lay my life down for Him even when I am not sure what the end result will be. After all, He is for me, not against me!! Same goes for you too!

My faith in Christ is new. I know it takes time & diligence for faith to mature … I know with time I will walk free from fear!!

Lord, I pray that you would remove the spirit of fear from my life. My life has been consumed by it and I no longer want it to be because I have YouPlease, give me Your love and Your power to replace these fears. I give you my illness and my body … do as you please with it, Lord. Help me let go of the wheel … In Jesus’ mighty, powerful name I pray. Amen